Track 3: UPS Trebek

• SPEAKER_07: y'all out
  
• SPEAKER_00: uh yes this is barborella with united parcel service calling yep
  
• SPEAKER_00: uPS sir
  
• SPEAKER_07: yep
  
• SPEAKER_00: and we've been out there twice this week and no one answered the bell
  
• SPEAKER_00: we're looking for assurances that someone will be there when we
  
• SPEAKER_00: re-deliver here tonight or tomorrow morning
  
• SPEAKER_05: uh i mean i don't know you guys can't get into the building
  
• SPEAKER_01: well no one answered the buzzer sir
  
• SPEAKER_01: Is there some explanation?
  
• SPEAKER_01: And it's a COD order.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Can we do it by phone, though?
  
• SPEAKER_05: How about my phone?
  
• SPEAKER_00: $112.38.
  
• SPEAKER_05: From where?
  
• SPEAKER_00: The package is from Big Tucker's Sweathouse.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Big Tucker's Sweathouse?
  
• SPEAKER_05: Yeah, the sweat house.
  
• SPEAKER_05: I know the sweat house.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Yes.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh, exactly.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Oh, yeah, I know it.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Who am I sticking with?
  
• SPEAKER_00: uh my name's barborella i'm with united parcel service uh here ups dot com 14 months on the job
  
• SPEAKER_05: barbara you sound kind of hot are you into dude excuse me do you like do you like what i don't follow
  
• SPEAKER_00: you there i just deal in package fulfillment uh product fulfillment all day long here at united
  
• SPEAKER_00: parcel service sir if you have a question about your parcel here it's a colorful bunch of pouches here is what i've
  
• SPEAKER_00: for you.
  
• SPEAKER_00: I'm happy to answer the questions you might have.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
  
• SPEAKER_07: So if you want to read the routing number from your checkbook or maybe Master Charge.
  
• SPEAKER_07: Okay.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, two, seven, six, six, four, seven, seven, three, four, seven, seven, nine, nine.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Sir, can you please be.
  
• SPEAKER_00: profession.
  
• SPEAKER_07: I'm trying to do my, I deal in product fulfillment.
  
• SPEAKER_01: I don't know what I do with package fulfillment.
  
• SPEAKER_07: I work in the corporate office or you're not in parcel service.
  
• SPEAKER_01: You know, ideal packages all day long, all shapes and sizes here, guy.
  
• SPEAKER_07: Well, I'll do you all.
  
• SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
  
• SPEAKER_01: I know what I'm doing.
  
• SPEAKER_01: UPS's continued relevance is no accident.
  
• SPEAKER_01: Guy, we do with product fulfillment.
  
• SPEAKER_01: Package fulfillment, day and night.
  
• SPEAKER_01: And you've got a package here.
  
• SPEAKER_01: You've got a COD package.
  
• SPEAKER_07: Hey, Barbarella.
  
• SPEAKER_07: Can I speak to your manager?
  
• SPEAKER_05: There it is.
  
• SPEAKER_01: I could let you talk to my manager, sure.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Thank you.
  
• SPEAKER_05: I would love to talk to your manager, Barabrella.
  
• SPEAKER_01: All right, one moment.
  
• SPEAKER_01: Please.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Manager better be hot.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Can you please be professional?
  
• SPEAKER_05: Hello?
  
• SPEAKER_05: Hello.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Hi.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Yes?
  
• SPEAKER_05: Yes.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Hello.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Uh, manager, please.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Uh.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Yes.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Yes.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Hi.
  
• SPEAKER_05: This is Barbara Lowe.
  
• SPEAKER_05: And I just wanted to know you'll be paying COD for our package that will deliver a car.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Okay.
  
• SPEAKER_04: Explain why you're calling me.
  
• SPEAKER_05: I'm going to eat your fucking kids.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Do you hear me?
  
• SPEAKER_05: Do you fucking hear me?
  
• SPEAKER_05: I'm going to eat your fucking kids.
  
• SPEAKER_05: Stop calling this fucking number.
  
• SPEAKER_05: this fucking number.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Hello?
  
• SPEAKER_00: Hi, yes.
  
• SPEAKER_00: This is Barbarella with UPS.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Colin.
  
• SPEAKER_00: How are you today, sir?
  
• SPEAKER_00: I'm well.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Okay.
  
• SPEAKER_00: And we've been out there
  
• SPEAKER_00: two times here this week.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Just looking for...
  
• SPEAKER_02: When you say there,
  
• SPEAKER_02: where are you referring to?
  
• SPEAKER_00: We have a delivery
  
• SPEAKER_00: and COD.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Which address, sir?
  
• SPEAKER_00: Which address?
  
• SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
  
• SPEAKER_00: We're in downtown.
  
• SPEAKER_00: I'm in the corporate tower office here.
  
• SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, no, no, sir.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Yes, we are.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Where are you trying to deliver it to?
  
• SPEAKER_00: Well,
  
• SPEAKER_00: As I was saying, we have a COD of $48.66.
  
• SPEAKER_00: We're just looking for assurances that you will be present when we do redeliver attempt here today or tomorrow morning.
  
• SPEAKER_02: At which address?
  
• SPEAKER_00: It's a residential address in the New York area, and I'm just trying to make sure that someone's going to be there this time when we send our driver back out.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Is there some reason you haven't answered the bell when he's been there earlier in the week?
  
• SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
  
• SPEAKER_02: This sounds pretty scummy from the way it sounds to me.
  
• SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Oh, I'm with UPS, sir.
  
• SPEAKER_02: So you say, but you're not willing to tell me the address you're delivering to it.
  
• SPEAKER_00: This is Barbarella.
  
• SPEAKER_00: We're at 412 5th Street.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Okay.
  
• SPEAKER_02: I know.
  
• SPEAKER_02: You know what Barbarella is.
  
• SPEAKER_00: That's my name, and I've been here for 14 months on the job, UPS.com.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Every detail of the way that you're telling the story sounds like the kind of thing designed to make old people fall for a scam.
  
• SPEAKER_00: A scam.
  
• SPEAKER_00: A scam.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Sir, this is a pouch, a parcel.
  
• SPEAKER_00: We're trying to deliver to you, do our job here, and you're not exactly cooperating.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Can you look at it from our side for a moment here?
  
• SPEAKER_00: You won't even tell me my address.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Oh, I've got your address right here on my computer system.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Then you will need to tell me that for me to believe you that you're not full of shit.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Well, I've got to log in.
  
• SPEAKER_00: That takes a minute to do while we're talking here.
  
• SPEAKER_00: But what we do with...
  
• SPEAKER_02: It doesn't really sound like you work for a Fortune 500 company to me.
  
• SPEAKER_02: It sounds to me like you're a scammer trying to rip off old people.
  
• SPEAKER_00: If you could read the routing number and we can process the payment,
  
• SPEAKER_00: we can leave the item in a safe place, that's certainly no problem.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Not a problem also.
  
• SPEAKER_03: But do people fall for this often?
  
• SPEAKER_03: I mean, honestly, who is this stupid?
  
• SPEAKER_00: Sir, I'm with United Parcel Service.
  
• SPEAKER_00: I'm super entertained by your whole...
  
• SPEAKER_00: This isn't FedEx or D.HL.
  
• SPEAKER_00: This isn't some fly-by-night company.
  
• SPEAKER_00: We're United Parcel Service guy, and I've been here for two years.
  
• SPEAKER_02: I know quite well what UPS is.
  
• SPEAKER_02: However, I don't believe that you have anything to do with any company.
  
• SPEAKER_02: That's anything.
  
• SPEAKER_02: I think you're some fucking idiot in another town trying to rip people off,
  
• SPEAKER_02: which is pretty clear that that's what you are.
  
• SPEAKER_02: I'm enjoying berating you over it because I've never done the COD of you in my goddamn life.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Not to mention it doesn't exist anymore.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Who is this stupid?
  
• SPEAKER_00: This is a colorful bunch of parcels here intended for you,
  
• SPEAKER_00: and we're just trying to do our job.
  
• SPEAKER_03: Oh, oh, oh, I need to get my parcel.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Package fulfillment.
  
• SPEAKER_03: It's very important that I pay for a parcel.
  
• SPEAKER_03: You know what the fuck, man?
  
• SPEAKER_03: Who is this fucking stupid?
  
• SPEAKER_02: You know what, honestly, you're in Oregon, so it says?
  
• SPEAKER_02: I mean, whatever your Google Voice number,
  
• SPEAKER_02: whatever it is you got, to do this call.
  
• SPEAKER_02: You know, I'm obviously going to call law enforcement after this.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Oh, don't do that.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Oh, why wouldn't I?
  
• SPEAKER_00: I just deal in package fulfillment here at UPS.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, then what do you have to worry about, my friend?
  
• SPEAKER_00: Nothing at all.
  
• SPEAKER_00: If you have a credit card, Master Charge, I'm happy to take that from me and get it out the door.
  
• SPEAKER_03: First of all, master charge hasn't existed in many years.
  
• SPEAKER_03: So you're full of shit on so many possible fucking levels that I'm enjoying hearing you do your stupid spiel.
  
• SPEAKER_03: I just can't believe anybody is so dumb as to give you who sound like a complete fucking moron.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Honestly, I've dealt with scammers before, and you were possibly the most ridiculously
  
• SPEAKER_02: bad scam I've ever ever encountered.
  
• SPEAKER_02: I see.
  
• SPEAKER_00: That's because I'm trying to do a legitimate service for the community here.
  
• SPEAKER_03: Oh, for the community.
  
• SPEAKER_03: I'm not one of your criminal-minded buddies here.
  
• SPEAKER_03: You're just a very bad criminal.
  
• SPEAKER_00: I'm a corporate employee and a corporate structure.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Uh-huh, I've never ordered any security in my life and never would.
  
• SPEAKER_02: I deal with package fulfillment, guy.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Get used to a package fulfillment all day long.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Yes, I do, sir. Yes, I do. UPS.com.
  
• SPEAKER_02: What, why don't you, oh, oh, oh, oh, why don't I speak?
  
• SPEAKER_02: to your supervisor, quote, unquote.
  
• SPEAKER_00: I'm happy to put my supervisor on the phone.
  
• SPEAKER_02: You do that right now.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Okay. Just a moment, sir.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Hello?
  
• SPEAKER_02: Oh, hello. Who's this?
  
• SPEAKER_02: Alex?
  
• SPEAKER_02: Alex, and who do you work for?
  
• SPEAKER_04: What does it matter? You called me.
  
• SPEAKER_02: I didn't call you. I didn't call you at all. You guys can get your stories straight.
  
• SPEAKER_04: My phone just rang and I picked up and I said,
  
• SPEAKER_04: Hello.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Okay.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Well, I'm getting calls from this number.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Why am I even explaining to you?
  
• SPEAKER_02: I'd like you to explain yourself.
  
• SPEAKER_04: You're getting calls from this number?
  
• SPEAKER_02: Oh, well, sure did.
  
• SPEAKER_02: So why don't you explain to me who you are, why I'm talking to you?
  
• SPEAKER_04: I have no idea.
  
• SPEAKER_04: My name is Alex Trebek.
  
• SPEAKER_04: What's your name?
  
• SPEAKER_02: Alex Trebek?
  
• SPEAKER_02: I love your TV show.
  
• SPEAKER_04: Okay, thank you.
  
• SPEAKER_04: Now, explain why you're calling me.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Didn't call you.
  
• SPEAKER_04: You didn't call me just now.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Did not.
  
• SPEAKER_04: Your phone rang and you picked up.
  
• SPEAKER_02: Nope.
  
• SPEAKER_02: My phone rang about five minutes ago.
  
• SPEAKER_02: I picked up and another gentleman was on phone.
  
• SPEAKER_02: I told that gentleman I'd like to speak to his supervisor and I got you.
  
• SPEAKER_04: I don't know how that happened.
  
• SPEAKER_04: There's somebody who's been jerking around the phone system for quite some time,
  
• SPEAKER_04: a couple of years, and manages to cross-connect three different people in different parts of the country.
  
• SPEAKER_04: So it looks like you are a newcomer to this procedure.
  
• SPEAKER_02: I don't know. I'm familiar with what's going on. This is a scammer.
  
• SPEAKER_02: I assume you're in Cahoochman.
  
• SPEAKER_02: But in any case, that's all it is. You're a scammer.
  
• SPEAKER_02: That's what you are.
  
• SPEAKER_02: You're full of shit.
  
• SPEAKER_02: I've had enough.
  
• SPEAKER_02: I have to go back.
  
• SPEAKER_06: Your call has been forward to an automatic police message.
  
• SPEAKER_06: This is Courtney Love.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Hi, this is Barabella with United Parcel Service.
  
• SPEAKER_00: How are you doing today, ma'am?
  
• SPEAKER_06: Good, thank you.
  
• SPEAKER_00: So we've got a parcel here. We've tried to deliver two other occasions
  
• SPEAKER_00: and there wasn't anybody there.
  
• SPEAKER_06: Well, I won't be here until...
  
• SPEAKER_06: Ooh.
  
• SPEAKER_06: I'll be here for a window from about 1 o'clock to...
  
• SPEAKER_06: Well... 12.30 to...
  
• SPEAKER_06: No, shoot. Today's not good.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh. I hear that all the time.
  
• SPEAKER_06: Tomorrow and Friday are both good.
  
• SPEAKER_00: How about in June?
  
• SPEAKER_00: I mean, we can just hold off and give you plenty of time, if you'd rather.
  
• SPEAKER_06: Well, I suggest I talk to your manager.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Well, why is that?
  
• SPEAKER_06: Because I'm not responsible for you coming when I'm not home.
  
• SPEAKER_06: It's not like I'm dodging you.
  
• SPEAKER_06: And I gave you an answer that today I'm not going to be available.
  
• SPEAKER_06: I have a meeting here shortly, and I'll be home between 1230 and 2.30.
  
• SPEAKER_06: That's a real small window.
  
• SPEAKER_06: I thought it would be nicer to say,
  
• SPEAKER_06: like, I'll be home all of tomorrow and all of Friday.
  
• SPEAKER_06: And then most of next week, and you're talking, June,
  
• SPEAKER_06: it's like, all of a sudden you turned bitter and rude to me.
  
• SPEAKER_06: And now I want to talk to your math.
  
• SPEAKER_06: And now I want to talk to your math.
  
• SPEAKER_06: manager.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Well, how about you cancel the meeting?
  
• SPEAKER_06: Who are you?
  
• SPEAKER_00: I'm Barborella with United Parcel Service.
  
• SPEAKER_00: I'm an accountant.
  
• SPEAKER_06: You're an accountant and you're making these trains of calls?
  
• SPEAKER_00: Well, I mean, after three attempts that gets kicked back to my department, miss.
  
• SPEAKER_06: Well, I'm terribly sorry that I wasn't home for the delivery barborella.
  
• SPEAKER_06: Give me your manager or your supervisor.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Well, do you have a debit card we can use to process your payment for the COD?
  
• SPEAKER_06: There's a COD on it?
  
• SPEAKER_00: What?
  
• SPEAKER_06: Yes, ma'am.
  
• SPEAKER_06: Where is it from?
  
• SPEAKER_06: Are there not notes you're supposed to leave?
  
• SPEAKER_00: We lift slips on the door.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Oh, two or three of them?
  
• SPEAKER_00: Two or three of them.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Oh, big time.
  
• SPEAKER_00: It's from bone broth.com.
  
• SPEAKER_00: We need a payment, 4878.
  
• SPEAKER_06: I'm not expecting anything from bone broth.com, especially something I have to pay to have delivered.
  
• SPEAKER_06: So how about you send it back and not treat me like shit?
  
• SPEAKER_00: Not an option, ma'am.
  
• SPEAKER_00: We need a master charge.
  
• None: Hello?
  
• SPEAKER_00: Hi, and this is Little Anthony with UPS.
  
• SPEAKER_00: What appears to be the travel operator today?
  
• SPEAKER_06: I don't.
  
• SPEAKER_06: No, look, you are the same asshole I was just speaking to,
  
• SPEAKER_06: and I haven't had a problem with your delivery,
  
• SPEAKER_06: anybody making deliveries, because I haven't seen them or interacted with them.
  
• SPEAKER_06: So unless you want to get me someone else, back the fuck off.
  
• SPEAKER_01: I'm a manager up here at UPS.
  
• SPEAKER_06: And what is up with the sound problems with your call, and the sirens and the sirens and the
  
• SPEAKER_06: background. You sound like a real...
  
• SPEAKER_06: Do you think I'm the famous, Courtney Love?
  
• SPEAKER_06: And so you're just giving me shit?
  
• SPEAKER_06: I don't believe you because you've treated me like shit.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Let me just get my supervisor real quick.
  
• SPEAKER_00: Maybe we can waive the fee for you.
  
• SPEAKER_00: I'll just get my supervisor on the line right now.
  
• SPEAKER_04: Hello?
  
• SPEAKER_06: Hello?
  
• SPEAKER_04: Yes. Can I help you?
  
• SPEAKER_06: Yes. And you are?
  
• SPEAKER_04: Who are you calling?
  
• SPEAKER_06: I don't even know for what, and there's nothing I expect.
  
• SPEAKER_06: nothing I expect and there's been no driver contact and just one rude phone call and now you.
  
• SPEAKER_04: Oh, somebody screws around with the phone systems.
  
• SPEAKER_04: They've managed to find a way to have different people receive calls at exactly the same time.
  
• SPEAKER_04: Well, this is great.
  
• SPEAKER_06: I've been harassed by your previous caller.
  
• SPEAKER_06: He even had a child pick up.
  
• SPEAKER_06: I don't know that I can believe that this is real and I don't have time to be harassed.
  
• SPEAKER_06: I'm sorry.
  
• SPEAKER_04: Oh, don't be sorry.
  
• SPEAKER_04: somebody's out there screwing with us and we haven't been able to catch them yet.
  
• SPEAKER_04: But one of these days we may get lucky.