wallace-thrasher

Longmont Potion Castle 11 (2014)

Track 13: Teary Eyed

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SPEAKER_04: Hello, Ball Crowl speaking.
SPEAKER_01: Yes, sir.
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to find a way to cry more of my own natural tears and reduce dry eye.
SPEAKER_04: I'm sorry, this is an office at the University of Minnesota.
SPEAKER_04: I'm in the physics department.
SPEAKER_01: Sure.
SPEAKER_01: I'm just trying to increase tier production in my eyes, and I got your number from the operator.
SPEAKER_04: Maybe they thought physiology.
SPEAKER_04: I'm a physicist.
SPEAKER_04: I don't know anything about it.
SPEAKER_04: I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_04: I'm a solid-stake physicist.
SPEAKER_01: I guess you don't know anything about optics, then, I take it.
SPEAKER_04: I know optics, as in optics for lasers and such.
SPEAKER_01: I'm a Spalunker.
SPEAKER_01: That's probably what caused this whole deal.
SPEAKER_01: I've got a seeing-eye falcon that I brought with me back from Dubai, and that kind of helps me a little bit.
SPEAKER_01: But what can I do to produce more tears in my eyes?
SPEAKER_04: Yeah, because that sounds like a physiology question.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah?
SPEAKER_04: I mean, did they put you in context?
SPEAKER_04: with someone in the medical school?
SPEAKER_04: They told me to talk to you.
SPEAKER_01: They said that you would be the person to, I mean, are your optics even clean, your own self, or are they
SPEAKER_01: dirty?
SPEAKER_04: My optics are inside a laser cavity, but I don't work with anything that's wet.
SPEAKER_04: In essence, I'm trying to avoid water at all costs.
SPEAKER_01: My eyes are dry as a bone, frankly.
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
SPEAKER_04: I don't know anything about eyes and tears or moisture.
SPEAKER_01: How do I cry,
SPEAKER_01: more of my own natural tears.
SPEAKER_01: Except for putting drops in your eyes, I just wouldn't know.
SPEAKER_01: How about liquid helium?
SPEAKER_01: Is that something I can make me try?
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
SPEAKER_01: What do you think?
SPEAKER_04: What do you think?
SPEAKER_04: That will not solve your problem.
SPEAKER_01: Why?
SPEAKER_04: It's a cryogenic fluid.
SPEAKER_01: I'm not trying to live forever.
SPEAKER_01: I'm just trying to produce more tears.
SPEAKER_04: I just can't do any more to help.
SPEAKER_04: Bye-bye.
SPEAKER_04: Hello?
SPEAKER_01: Hi, I'm your new neighbor.
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to cry more of my own natural tears in an increased tear production.
SPEAKER_01: What should I do?
SPEAKER_01: I don't know how to make people cry.
SPEAKER_01: I need to make my eyes more tearful.
SPEAKER_05: That sounds awesome.
SPEAKER_05: Maybe you should watch a bad movie.
SPEAKER_05: Garlic might make you cry or onions.
SPEAKER_01: Is there anything physical I can do?
SPEAKER_05: Maybe you can wait yourself.
SPEAKER_01: Hit myself?
SPEAKER_05: Sure, I don't know.
SPEAKER_05: Don't ask me.
SPEAKER_05: I don't do these weird things.
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to increase tear production.
SPEAKER_05: Well, I...
SPEAKER_05: Ask you're not optometrish.
SPEAKER_05: Well, what advice do you have?
SPEAKER_05: What?
SPEAKER_05: You're funny.
SPEAKER_01: What should I do?
SPEAKER_05: I think you might need a therapist.
SPEAKER_01: What can you tell me?
SPEAKER_05: That you're funny?
SPEAKER_01: How can I make my eyes more careful?
SPEAKER_01: Full, full, full, full, full, full.
SPEAKER_05: Use eye drops.
None: Okay.
SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm trying to find a way or I might have to move.
SPEAKER_05: We have too many people here.
SPEAKER_05: They need to move out.
SPEAKER_01: Well, can you?
SPEAKER_01: Can you make my eyes more tearful for me?
SPEAKER_05: You want to pay me a lot of money.
SPEAKER_05: I get paid 40 bucks an hour.
SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03: I'll do it.
SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_05: You're very amazing.
SPEAKER_05: And thank you for carrying me up.
SPEAKER_05: You just made my day.
SPEAKER_01: How about you and me get together and cry some natural tears?
SPEAKER_01: That sound good?
None: What?
SPEAKER_05: What should I do?
SPEAKER_05: Oh, my.
SPEAKER_05: God, you're the funniest prank phone caller ever in the world, so you have a good afternoon.
SPEAKER_01: Bye.
SPEAKER_07: This is Adam.
SPEAKER_01: Hey, yeah, this is Goldie.
SPEAKER_01: I'm new to the area, and it's really dry here.
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to increase tier production in my eyes.
SPEAKER_01: What advice do you have?
SPEAKER_01: You tell me what to do.
SPEAKER_07: Oh, this is crazy.
SPEAKER_07: This is like a prank call.
SPEAKER_07: Is this Longmont Potion Castle?
SPEAKER_01: No, I live in Wheatridge.
SPEAKER_07: Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
SPEAKER_01: The Postmaster gave me your number.
SPEAKER_01: What advice?
SPEAKER_01: Do you have?
SPEAKER_01: That's what I'm trying to find out.
SPEAKER_07: I'd say that you should, like, onion up your face hard.
SPEAKER_07: If you're trying to get more tear production, like extreme tear production.
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to cry more of my own tears.
SPEAKER_07: Oh, this is so fucking amazing right now.
SPEAKER_07: I wish every day was like this.
SPEAKER_01: Can you tell me what to do?
SPEAKER_01: I'm new to the area.
SPEAKER_01: I got your number from the operator.
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I would say...
SPEAKER_02: Anything you could tell me would be great.
SPEAKER_02: Anything you could tell me it would be really great.
SPEAKER_02: Oh, this is so awesome right now.
SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
SPEAKER_02: I need to cry more.
SPEAKER_02: I need to make a lot of tears.
SPEAKER_02: I need to make ice more tears.
SPEAKER_02: Come on.
SPEAKER_07: That's fucking awesome.
SPEAKER_01: Don't leave me hanging.
SPEAKER_07: No, onion up the face.
SPEAKER_07: Onion up the face.
SPEAKER_07: I got some raw-ass onions over here.
SPEAKER_07: We'll pull them right out of the ground.
SPEAKER_07: Come on over.
SPEAKER_07: I'll slice them open and I'll rub them right in your eyes.
SPEAKER_01: And then I'll give you something to cry about there,
SPEAKER_01: tough guy.
SPEAKER_01: What do you think of that?
SPEAKER_02: No doubt in my mind.
SPEAKER_02: There's no down in my mind, period.
SPEAKER_01: You're going to be exterminated.
SPEAKER_03: End the sentence.
SPEAKER_03: You're going to be exterminated.
SPEAKER_03: You're exterminated, buddy.
SPEAKER_03: You're going to be exterminated, buddy.
SPEAKER_03: I'm on a hoppy in the ass.
SPEAKER_07: That's awesome.
SPEAKER_07: That's so quality.
SPEAKER_07: This is classic right now.
SPEAKER_07: I can't believe you're Frank calling you.
SPEAKER_03: This is so cool.
SPEAKER_02: I'm on a hoop yes.
SPEAKER_02: I'm on a hoop yes.
SPEAKER_07: Oh, this is so good.
SPEAKER_02: I'm on a hoop yes.
SPEAKER_07: So good right now.
SPEAKER_02: I want a hoop ass.
SPEAKER_05: I want a hoop yes.
SPEAKER_05: Hello.
SPEAKER_01: Hey, Scott.
SPEAKER_01: How you doing?
SPEAKER_01: Good.
SPEAKER_01: Good, yeah, I'm your new neighbor.
SPEAKER_01: I moved in a few days ago.
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to increase tear production in my eyes.
SPEAKER_01: What should I do?
SPEAKER_01: I'm new to the area.
SPEAKER_06: Crunch yourself on the ball.
SPEAKER_01: What advice do you have?
SPEAKER_06: Stop fucking with me.
SPEAKER_06: I'm not in a name.
SPEAKER_01: Hello?
SPEAKER_01: I'm your new neighbor.
SPEAKER_01: Bobby.
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to increase.
SPEAKER_01: increase tier production.
SPEAKER_01: What can you tell me?
SPEAKER_01: Anything I should do?
SPEAKER_01: Wait a minute.
SPEAKER_01: Who the hell is this?
SPEAKER_01: Bobby.
SPEAKER_01: What?
SPEAKER_01: What?
SPEAKER_01: Hello?
SPEAKER_01: Hey, yeah, this is Bobby again.
SPEAKER_00: Look, look.
SPEAKER_00: What number are you calling?
SPEAKER_00: Who are you calling?
SPEAKER_00: And what's the address?
SPEAKER_00: This doesn't sound right to me.
SPEAKER_00: My number?
SPEAKER_00: No, the address.
SPEAKER_00: You're my neighbor.
SPEAKER_00: What's the address?
SPEAKER_00: I'm just trying to increase tier production.
SPEAKER_00: No, no, no.
SPEAKER_00: You tell me the address, because this is bullshit.
SPEAKER_01: I don't know the area.
SPEAKER_00: You don't know the address, but you're my neighbor?
SPEAKER_00: Okay, fuck.
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00: Hey, I don't know what you're doing.
SPEAKER_00: Can you just give me some advice?
SPEAKER_00: No, fuck you.
SPEAKER_00: If you can't tell me the address, fuck off, and don't call here again.
SPEAKER_00: You understand?
SPEAKER_00: Fuck you.
SPEAKER_01: Hey, Eric.
SPEAKER_01: How you doing?
SPEAKER_01: What's this?
SPEAKER_01: Oh, this is Woodrow.
SPEAKER_01: I'm your new neighbor.
SPEAKER_01: What are you doing this?
SPEAKER_01: This is Woodrow.
SPEAKER_01: This is Woodrow.
SPEAKER_01: This is Woodrow. I'm new to the area.
SPEAKER_07: This is Woodrow, man.
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to make more of my.
SPEAKER_01: natural tears. What advice
SPEAKER_01: do you have for me, please?
SPEAKER_07: Who the fuck are you, dude?
SPEAKER_01: I live on the same street as you.
SPEAKER_01: Huh? I'm your new neighbor.
SPEAKER_07: What's your voice manipulator?
SPEAKER_01: I got a new phone. I'm in a new town. I got a new...
SPEAKER_07: Hey, dude? Who the fuck are you? I don't know you.
SPEAKER_01: My name's Wardrow.
SPEAKER_07: Right. Cool, man. Later.
SPEAKER_07: I fucking call me again. I'm blocking your fucking number. You dick?
SPEAKER_01: Don't do that at all.
SPEAKER_07: It's over. You're getting blocked.
SPEAKER_07: Yeah.
SPEAKER_01: Hey, I'm sorry. I think we got cut off there.
SPEAKER_07: Who are you, man?
SPEAKER_01: My name is Woody.
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to reduce dry eye and make my eyes more tearful.
SPEAKER_07: Who are you, dude? What are you, dude? What are you calling me for?
SPEAKER_01: What should I do? What advice do you have? I'm your neighbor.
SPEAKER_07: Who are you, dude? What do you got two different phone numbers, genius?
SPEAKER_01: I'm your new neighbor. I got your number from the Postmaster. He's an old family friend.
SPEAKER_07: Huh? What Postmaster, dude?
SPEAKER_01: The general.
SPEAKER_01: Hey, bro.
SPEAKER_07: Speak up. How'd you get my number?
SPEAKER_01: Look at here, buddy.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah. I'm just trying to cry more of my own natural tears. What advice do you have?
SPEAKER_07: Cut some onions up, bitch. Take down this number so we can track it.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, don't do that.
SPEAKER_07: We'll be tracking this shit.
SPEAKER_07: Well, you're on speakerphone, genius.
SPEAKER_01: What's the deal?
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to find a way to cry more.
SPEAKER_01: And a story. Why can't you help me out? It's the neighborly thing to do.
SPEAKER_07: Really? What? You got three phone numbers, neighbor?
SPEAKER_01: What?
SPEAKER_07: What? You got three phone numbers?
SPEAKER_01: I got a landline and I have a cell phone.
SPEAKER_07: Yeah. So what? So who are you? How do you know me?
SPEAKER_01: Well, I got your number off the operator.
SPEAKER_07: For what?
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to cry more. For what reason?
SPEAKER_01: For what reason? Hey.
SPEAKER_01: What can you told me? What can you told me?
SPEAKER_01: What can you tell me?
SPEAKER_01: What advice do you have?
SPEAKER_06: I can tell you this.
SPEAKER_06: It seems like the fuck you are.
SPEAKER_06: That's what I can tell you.
SPEAKER_01: Are you going to help me out?
SPEAKER_01: You want to meet up in person?
SPEAKER_01: Is that what you're saying?
SPEAKER_01: And then...
SPEAKER_07: You're going to play games?
SPEAKER_07: You're going to tell me who you are.
SPEAKER_01: I'm telling you right now.
SPEAKER_01: I'm your new neighbor.
SPEAKER_01: I'm new to the area.
SPEAKER_07: What area is that, dude?
SPEAKER_07: What area?
SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm in Tarzana right now at work.
SPEAKER_01: Where do I live?
SPEAKER_01: I live in the valley, and that's, you know, it's an interesting place.
SPEAKER_01: So give you that.
SPEAKER_07: The valley's big.
SPEAKER_01: It's real big.
SPEAKER_01: I haven't, I've never seen anything like that.
SPEAKER_07: What city do you live in, genius?
SPEAKER_01: I'm in Tarzana at work.
SPEAKER_07: Where do you live?
SPEAKER_07: Do you have fucking hearing problems?
SPEAKER_07: Where the fuck do you live?
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to increase tier production, tough guy.
SPEAKER_01: What can you tell me?
SPEAKER_07: I can show you're a piece of fucking shit.
SPEAKER_07: Who are you?
SPEAKER_06: Woodrow.
SPEAKER_06: After we have so many numbers.
SPEAKER_06: He hacked your phone.
SPEAKER_01: I'm just your new name.
SPEAKER_06: I would call your phone service and let them give them those phone numbers.
SPEAKER_06: I'll call Verizon right now.
SPEAKER_01: I'll give you my number if you want it.
SPEAKER_07: Hey, Dickhead, I'm looking at your number.
SPEAKER_07: Are you sucking fucking prison cock?
SPEAKER_07: The fuck's your problem, Dick what?
SPEAKER_01: I have dry eyes.
SPEAKER_03: I'm trying to increase tear production.
SPEAKER_03: I'm trying to cry more of my own natural tears.
SPEAKER_07: Do you know how you would do that?
SPEAKER_07: You chop your fucking dick off so you cry more.
SPEAKER_07: Boo-hoo.
SPEAKER_07: Can you do that for me, bro?
SPEAKER_07: Hack your dick off and shut your fucking mouth.
SPEAKER_07: Can you show your fucking mouth now, dude?
SPEAKER_01: I thought I could count on you.
SPEAKER_01: It's the neighborly thing to do.
SPEAKER_07: The neighborly thing to do is for you to commit suicide.
SPEAKER_07: That's the neighborly thing to do.
SPEAKER_07: Can you do that for us, bro?
SPEAKER_07: Everyone in this room, kill yourself?
SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm a Spalunker.
SPEAKER_01: I think that's what caused this problem.
SPEAKER_01: And I have a seeing-eye falcon.
SPEAKER_01: You know, I carry around on my shoulder.
SPEAKER_01: That helps me a little bit.