wallace-thrasher

Longmont Potion Castle 18 (2021)

Track 5: Magnifying Glass

SPEAKER_00: Jules Freeman.
SPEAKER_01: This is Mr. Freeman's.
SPEAKER_01: This is Elmer.
SPEAKER_01: Correct, sir.
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
SPEAKER_01: My name's Elmer Whip with United Parcel Service.
SPEAKER_01: Our driver's been out to your place a couple times this past week
SPEAKER_01: and no one answered the bell on a COD delivery.
SPEAKER_05: Oh, COD?
SPEAKER_05: Did you, who's it from?
SPEAKER_01: You mind telling me what the issue has been up there, sir?
SPEAKER_05: Well, I've been here.
SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_05: I think you should talk to my wife.
SPEAKER_05: She'll probably have more information.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I see, I see.
SPEAKER_05: Who is this?
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, my name's Elmer.
SPEAKER_01: Who is this?
SPEAKER_01: Yes, miss.
SPEAKER_01: I'm Elmer Whip with United Parcel Service.
SPEAKER_01: UPS.com, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah.
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
SPEAKER_01: And no one's to answer the buzzer when our driver has been out there.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, I have to tell you, sweetheart, I have to tell you the wrong number.
SPEAKER_01: No, this is for the Freemans.
SPEAKER_01: Yes, I am aware of the number.
SPEAKER_01: I've worked here for 18 weeks now.
SPEAKER_01: I've been on the John.
SPEAKER_01: months now.
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
SPEAKER_03: 18 weeks.
SPEAKER_03: Wow, that's a lot.
SPEAKER_01: Well, you know, I'm on my way up the ladder.
SPEAKER_03: We don't have anything COD.
SPEAKER_01: It's, uh, I've got a lot of magnifying glasses here for Mr. Julius Freeman's, okay?
SPEAKER_03: Well, that's not the correct name.
SPEAKER_03: So, therefore, I'm telling you this is a fictitious phone call.
SPEAKER_03: And you could try the next number on your list.
SPEAKER_01: Let me just get a credit card number and then we'll leave it in a safe place for you.
SPEAKER_03: And you know, do you speak Italian?
SPEAKER_03: Do you speak Italian?
SPEAKER_03: Uh, what do you need?
SPEAKER_03: Hangbo, matzol.
SPEAKER_01: Hello?
SPEAKER_01: Yes, sir.
SPEAKER_01: This is UPS.com calling.
SPEAKER_01: How are we today?
SPEAKER_05: We're fine.
SPEAKER_05: How are you?
SPEAKER_05: UPS.com?
SPEAKER_01: I'm doing well, sir.
SPEAKER_01: We just got a COD here.
SPEAKER_01: Our driver was out there, and no one answered the buzzer.
SPEAKER_01: We've got a carton of magnifying glasses.
SPEAKER_05: Well, then send them back.
SPEAKER_01: He'll be there within the hour.
SPEAKER_01: He's got a couple stops ahead of you.
SPEAKER_01: That's all.
SPEAKER_05: Good.
SPEAKER_05: Fine.
SPEAKER_05: We will be waiting for him.
SPEAKER_01: $433.18 is due on the ship.
SPEAKER_05: Thank you very much.
SPEAKER_05: We will see your driver.
SPEAKER_01: Have you got a check drawn, sir.
SPEAKER_05: I will be very happy to give him a check when he comes to the door.
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
SPEAKER_01: I have a checkbook.
SPEAKER_01: It's taking a lot of space on our trek.
SPEAKER_01: What did you just say to me, sir?
SPEAKER_05: Well, that's not my problem.
SPEAKER_05: That's your problem.
SPEAKER_05: Tell the shipper that he owes your money for taking up space in your truck.
SPEAKER_02: Well, we've been out there three times and no one answered
SPEAKER_02: the bell.
SPEAKER_02: No one answered the bell.
SPEAKER_05: So, Mr. Whip, it's Elmer Whip, correct?
SPEAKER_02: Correct.
SPEAKER_02: Yes, sir.
SPEAKER_05: And you work for USPS?
SPEAKER_02: No, I work for United Parcel Service.
SPEAKER_05: United Parcel Service.
SPEAKER_05: Well, I'm a stockholder.
SPEAKER_02: Three months on the job.
SPEAKER_05: So you work for me.
SPEAKER_05: Three months.
SPEAKER_05: Well, guess what, Elmer?
SPEAKER_05: I'm very impressed.
SPEAKER_05: Why don't you give me your eyes?
SPEAKER_05: address and I will send you
SPEAKER_05: an anniversary card
SPEAKER_05: for being there for
SPEAKER_05: 18 weeks.
SPEAKER_02: Would you like to come to the dock and pick it up?
SPEAKER_02: Or that's an option.
SPEAKER_02: You know, whatever you'd like to be.
SPEAKER_05: No, I would like to talk to your supervisor.
SPEAKER_05: How about that,
SPEAKER_05: Elmer Whip? Let me talk to your supervisor.
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
SPEAKER_02: Just a moment, sir.
SPEAKER_05: Have him call me back.
SPEAKER_05: I'm transferring you now. Just a
SPEAKER_02: moment, sir.
SPEAKER_05: And I'll be, and I will, listen,
SPEAKER_05: Mr. Whip.
SPEAKER_05: I'm transferring you to my supervisor.
SPEAKER_05: Recorded.
SPEAKER_05: Hello.
SPEAKER_05: And I am going to the police department
SPEAKER_05: and filing a complaint.
SPEAKER_05: Am I clear?
SPEAKER_05: Hello?
SPEAKER_05: Who is this?
SPEAKER_05: Who is this?
SPEAKER_05: I don't know.
SPEAKER_05: Who are you calling?
SPEAKER_05: I didn't call anybody.
SPEAKER_05: You called me.
SPEAKER_05: Oh, no.
SPEAKER_03: Hello?
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
SPEAKER_02: My name's Tripp.
SPEAKER_01: I'm a manager of United Parsall.
SPEAKER_01: service?
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
SPEAKER_01: I've been told by my
SPEAKER_01: associate that you would like to make
SPEAKER_01: an online payment for your COD.
SPEAKER_01: That is no problem.
SPEAKER_01: If you give me a routing number, we can accept
SPEAKER_01: an online payment. No problem at all.
SPEAKER_01: No problem at all.
SPEAKER_04: The routing number is
SPEAKER_04: one, two, three, four, fuck yourself.
SPEAKER_04: And the account number
SPEAKER_04: is up yours.
SPEAKER_02: Ma'am, could you please be a professional?
SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_00: Jules Freeman.
SPEAKER_01: Yes, my name's Flip Whitman.
SPEAKER_01: I'm manager at UPS.com.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, flip, great.
SPEAKER_05: Hey, look, I'm on a long-distance phone call.
SPEAKER_05: Can you give me your phone number, please?
SPEAKER_05: And I'll call you right back.
SPEAKER_01: Sure.
SPEAKER_01: It's 1-800-pick UPS.
SPEAKER_05: One-h-h-P-P-I-C-K?
SPEAKER_01: UPS, yes, sir.
SPEAKER_01: Apparently you had some trouble with our driver or with our representative?
SPEAKER_05: No, I haven't had trouble with anybody.
SPEAKER_05: I have received every single package from UPS that I've ordered from other people.
SPEAKER_01: Well, we've got to clear.
SPEAKER_01: of magnifying glasses here that you ordered that we're trying to deliver.
SPEAKER_05: And who did they come from?
SPEAKER_01: Inspector Central from Ho-Hocus.
SPEAKER_05: Good. Send it back to them. I don't want to.
SPEAKER_01: Send it back, sir. It's a COD delivery.
SPEAKER_05: What does COD mean?
SPEAKER_01: That you owe $97.49 for your delivery.
SPEAKER_05: No, sir.
SPEAKER_01: Yes, sir.
SPEAKER_05: COD means cash on delivery.
SPEAKER_05: Exactly. Did you deliver it?
SPEAKER_01: Well, we've been out there four times.
SPEAKER_01: No one answered the buzzer according to my notes here.
SPEAKER_05: Well, I guess what?
SPEAKER_01: What's that?
SPEAKER_05: I don't have a buzzer.
SPEAKER_05: I don't have a buzzer.
SPEAKER_01: Well, do you want to come pick it up?
SPEAKER_01: That is an option.
SPEAKER_01: That is no problem, no problem at all.
SPEAKER_01: If you want to read a credit card, we'll leave it in a safe place.
SPEAKER_03: I'll drive out to UPS in Pleasantville.
SPEAKER_05: If you continue calling this number, I am going to call the U.S.C.C.
SPEAKER_05: I am on my U.
SPEAKER_05: my way to Pleasantville to the UPS store right now.
SPEAKER_05: You got a problem?
SPEAKER_05: Pay for it yourself.
SPEAKER_05: I never ordered it.
SPEAKER_02: Well, I can meet you up there.
SPEAKER_02: Whatever it takes to get this resolved here for you.