stretchie

Longmont Potion Castle 19 (2022)

Track 7: Machete Lottery

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Aliases: Herbie Blunt

Woman #1: Lewis Country Store.
LPC: Yeah, this is Herbie Blunt.
LPC: I got a lottery ticket from you all up there a couple days ago.
Woman #1: Mm-hmm.
LPC: And I won $200.
LPC: It was a big winner.
Woman #1: Uh-huh.
LPC: But I can't find my ticket.
LPC: I lost it.
LPC: I lost my ticket.
LPC: So can you guys all just look me up and just verify it?
LPC: I mean, it came from your store, so.
Woman #1: There's nothing I can help you with on that, hon.
LPC: After I won $200.
Woman #1: Yes, I'm sorry, I mean, but there's nothing I can do about it.
LPC: So you can just look up the code.
LPC: I mean, it came from your store.
Woman #1: No, I can't look it up.
Woman #1: No, you'd have to call the lottery commission to look up any tickets that you've lost.
LPC: Well, I did.
LPC: They told me to talk to you all up here.
LPC: Well, I won $200.
Woman #1: I don't know how to go into this system.
Woman #1: They're full of it because I don't know how to go in and look up old lottery tickets from three days ago.
LPC: Well, can you just give me $200?
LPC: I mean, I'm in there two three times.
Woman #1: No, I can't give you any money without the ticket.
LPC: I'm in there three times a day.
Woman #1: And the lottery board knows that, and they'll tell you that.
LPC: I'm in there two, three times a day.
Woman #1: I know, but, hon, without that ticket, I'm not giving you $200 without a ticket,
Woman #1: because then when it comes up short, then it comes out of my check.
Woman #1: No, I'm not paying for it.
LPC: Just use your scanner.
LPC: Just scan it in there, and you'll see that I got it from your store.
Woman #1: Well, you have to have the ticket for me to scan.
Woman #1: I don't have access.
Woman #1: I don't have access to get what you bought three days ago.
Woman #1: And if you lost the ticket, that's on you.
Woman #1: I can't give you $200 without the ticket.
LPC: Can you just give me?
LPC: some more tickets then lottery tickets two hundred dollars for them no i can i
LPC: give you two hundred dollars worth of lottery tickets in place for it no i already won i won big
Woman #1: well you didn't well i don't know that you don't have your ticket so i can't prove it well i'm telling you i did
Woman #1: didn't i that's not enough for me honey anybody could tell me that they they won two hundred dollars on a ticket
LPC: i don't mean i'm going to pay it look my grandfather came in there he was in there two three times a day
Woman #1: Hon, I'm sorry if your grandfather come in here and you come in here all the time without a ticket i cannot do a payout
LPC: My grandfather came before me.
Woman #1: I'm sorry, hun, I've got customers to tend to.
LPC: Listen, just give me some tickets.
LPC: I'll pick up some tickets from you, all right?
LPC: Later tonight.
Woman #1: No, I'm not giving you any free tickets.
LPC: What do you mean?
LPC: They're not free.
LPC: I already won from you.
LPC: You don't you see?
Woman #1: You give me the money.
Woman #1: You'll get the tickets.
Woman #1: Try to come up here and get the tickets without the money, you'll see.
Woman #1: Country store.
Woman #1: May I help you?
LPC: Hey, this is Herbie Blunt calling.
LPC: All right.
Woman #1: Yes, I'm kind of busy, hon.
Woman #1: I cannot sit here and debate over whether I'm paying you $200 or not.
LPC: Well, you're.
LPC: You'll be paying me the money.
Woman #1: Because without a ticket, I'm not doing it.
Woman #1: Do what?
LPC: You're going to pay me.
Woman #1: No, I'm not paying you anything.
Woman #1: I'll tell you what.
Woman #1: You come on up here and see if I'm going to give you free tickets or anything for free without a damn ticket to verify that you bought it.
LPC: Hey, my grandfather used to come in there before me.
Woman #1: I don't care if your grandfather came up here.
Woman #1: I cannot give you anything for free.
Woman #1: You don't have a ticket.
Woman #1: I cannot help you.
LPC: Hey, I know.
Woman #1: Now stop calling and stop bothering me.
LPC: You're harassing me, lady.
Woman #1: No, you're calling here and harassing me.
Woman #1: Now, like I said, if you want to come on up here and try it, go right.
LPC: I know the guitar pair of Slash, and I'm going to bring him in there.
Woman #1: I don't care who you know.
Woman #1: Y'all think you're full of shit.
Woman #1: It's what I think.
LPC: He's going to come in there.
LPC: He's going to come in there.
Woman #1: Lewis Country Store.
LPC: Hello, this is Herbie Blunt calling.
LPC: Now, listen, I need you all to fetch what I need.
LPC: Okay, that's all as I need today, is my 200 lottery tickets, all right?
Woman #1: Well, you are going to have to contact the lottery commission.
LPC: I don't talk to them.
Woman #1: I don't have any thing to do with that.
Woman #1: Well, then if you've talked to them, then they can send you your money.
LPC: Well, they told me to talk to the manager up here is who I need to talk to.
Woman #1: No, she's not allowed to give you the money.
Woman #1: She's talked to the owners, and they will not allow that.
LPC: Well, I'm going to come up there and get what I need.
Woman #1: Well, if you do that, you're going to get what you need and probably a bullet in your ass at the same time.
LPC: Hey, I'm going to come up and body blow, body blow, body blow.
LPC: How's that sound?
Woman #1: Okay, well, that sounds great.
Woman #1: You come right on up, sweetheart.
Woman #1: We're waiting.
LPC: I know Slash.
LPC: You ever heard of Slash, a guitar player?
Woman #1: You know what?
Woman #1: I know all kinds of people.
Woman #1: I know good meth heads
Woman #1: and bad meth heads and, you know, I know all kinds of things, too.
Woman #1: But if you think that you're going to come up here and get your lottery tickets,
Woman #1: then you march your little happy ass right on up here.
LPC: Slash is going to come up there and whoopee.
LPC: You got me?
Woman #1: Well, that's good.
Woman #1: All right.
Woman #1: Well send him on.
LPC: Hey, I'm going to come up there and body blow, body blow, body blow.
LPC: Does that sound good?
Woman #1: Okay.
Woman #1: That sounds great.
LPC: Why don't you just fetch what I need?
Woman #1: I don't know how to fetch.
Woman #1: I'm not a fucking dog.
LPC: Just fetch me my money.
LPC: That's all I need.
Woman #1: Well, go fetch a fucking job and quit playing lottery.
Woman #1: I've got both your numbers.
Woman #1: I'll have the owners call you back when they're ready.
LPC: I'll bring my machete up there.
Woman #1: Why don't you bring your machete up?
Woman #1: You're the same stupid ass threatening to come up here with a tree limb and beat my ass.
Woman #1: Come on and do it.
LPC: I got a machete.
Woman #1: Quit talking your shit.
Woman #1: Old man, ain't you got nothing better to do?
LPC: I got a machete.
Woman #1: Get your shit out of the dirt and do something, you chicken shit, motherfucker.
Woman #1: Come on.
Woman #1: Lewis Country Store, may I help you?
Woman #1: Hello.
Ala: This is Ala at the Lottery.
Woman #1: What can I do for you?
Ala: You had some questions about selling a winning ticket?
Woman #1: Oh, no, it is a man who is calling and harassing us,
Woman #1: and he wanted me to pay him for a ticket he had bought.
Woman #1: That was a $200 winner, he said, and I told him, no, I couldn't do it without the ticket.
Woman #1: And he told me that, yes, I could, that y'all told him I could.
Woman #1: And I told him no.
Woman #1: And so, yeah, that's who called you.
Woman #1: He's just trying to harass us more.
Ala: Oh, okay.
Woman #1: So if I were you, I wouldn't, yeah, I wouldn't listen to anybody else.
Ala: I guess he just transferred me over.
Ala: to you. I don't know why, but, okay.
Woman #1: I don't know how he's done it or whatever, but yeah, he's the same,
Woman #1: it's the same crappy old man that was calling up here last night of Rasmus.
Woman #1: Okay, I got to. So, yeah.
Ala: All right. No problem. You have a good day.
Woman #1: I'm sorry. All right.
Woman #1: That's okay.
Woman #1: Bye-bye.
Woman #1: Bye-bye.
Woman #1: Lewis Country Store.
Woman #1: I got it.
Woman #1: Louis Country Store.
Woman #1: Hi, this is Tammy. Can I help you?
Woman #1: You called me.
Woman #1: Hello?
Woman #1: No, no, I didn't call you.
Woman #1: I spoke to somebody, I guess.
Woman #1: No, you definitely called me.
Woman #1: I just answered the phone, and it says, private on my caller ID.
Tammy: This is Tammy from Louisiana Lottery.
Tammy: I did not call you.
Woman #1: Okay, look, sweetheart.
Woman #1: Y'all, you'll quit calling me, okay?
Woman #1: Quit calling me.
Woman #1: This is the third time y'all called me.
Woman #1: Stop it.
Woman #1: We're not even in Louisiana.
Woman #1: We're in Tennessee.
Woman #1: So stop calling me.
Woman #1: What do you want?
LPC: Hi, this is Michael at the lottery.
LPC: You have questions?
Woman #1: No, this isn't Michael with the lottery.
Woman #1: This is area code 971-276-28-9.
Woman #1: And let me tell you something.
Woman #1: You call it my goddamn employees again.
Woman #1: I will hunt you down, and I'll make you wish you had a goddamn machete.
Woman #1: Do you understand me?
Woman #1: You quit calling my goddamn business.
Woman #1: I'm going to have your goddamn ass arrested.
Woman #1: I've got your goddamn caller ID right here.
Woman #1: You understand me?
Michael: Great.
Woman #1: Do you fucking understand me?
Michael: I understand you.
Michael: I fucking understand you.