Longmont Potion Castle 18 (2021)

Longmont Potion Castle 18

Track 5: Magnifying Glass

Runtime: 376 seconds

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Aliases: Elmer Whip
Establishments: United Parcel Service, UPS.com

  • SPEAKER_00: Jules Freeman.
  • LPC: This is Mr. Freeman's.
  • LPC: This is Elmer.
  • LPC: Correct, sir.
  • LPC: Yes.
  • LPC: My name's Elmer Whip with United Parcel Service.
  • LPC: Our driver's been out to your place a couple times this past week
  • LPC: and no one answered the bell on a COD delivery.
  • SPEAKER_05: Oh, COD?
  • SPEAKER_05: Did you, who's it from?
  • LPC: You mind telling me what the issue has been up there, sir?
  • SPEAKER_05: Well, I've been here.
  • LPC: Mm-hmm.
  • SPEAKER_05: I think you should talk to my wife.
  • SPEAKER_05: She'll probably have more information.
  • LPC: Oh, I see, I see.
  • SPEAKER_05: Who is this?
  • LPC: Yeah, my name's Elmer.
  • LPC: Who is this?
  • LPC: Yes, miss.
  • LPC: I'm Elmer Whip with United Parcel Service.
  • LPC: UPS.com, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah.
  • SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
  • LPC: And no one's to answer the buzzer when our driver has been out there.
  • SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, I have to tell you, sweetheart, I have to tell you the wrong number.
  • LPC: No, this is for the Freemans.
  • LPC: Yes, I am aware of the number.
  • LPC: I've worked here for 18 weeks now.
  • LPC: I've been on the John.
  • LPC: months now.
  • LPC: Okay.
  • SPEAKER_03: 18 weeks.
  • SPEAKER_03: Wow, that's a lot.
  • LPC: Well, you know, I'm on my way up the ladder.
  • SPEAKER_03: We don't have anything COD.
  • LPC: It's, uh, I've got a lot of magnifying glasses here for Mr. Julius Freeman's, okay?
  • SPEAKER_03: Well, that's not the correct name.
  • SPEAKER_03: So, therefore, I'm telling you this is a fictitious phone call.
  • SPEAKER_03: And you could try the next number on your list.
  • LPC: Let me just get a credit card number and then we'll leave it in a safe place for you.
  • SPEAKER_03: And you know, do you speak Italian?
  • SPEAKER_03: Do you speak Italian?
  • SPEAKER_03: Uh, what do you need?
  • SPEAKER_03: Hangbo, matzol.
  • LPC: Hello?
  • LPC: Yes, sir.
  • LPC: This is UPS.com calling.
  • LPC: How are we today?
  • SPEAKER_05: We're fine.
  • SPEAKER_05: How are you?
  • SPEAKER_05: UPS.com?
  • LPC: I'm doing well, sir.
  • LPC: We just got a COD here.
  • LPC: Our driver was out there, and no one answered the buzzer.
  • LPC: We've got a carton of magnifying glasses.
  • SPEAKER_05: Well, then send them back.
  • LPC: He'll be there within the hour.
  • LPC: He's got a couple stops ahead of you.
  • LPC: That's all.
  • SPEAKER_05: Good.
  • SPEAKER_05: Fine.
  • SPEAKER_05: We will be waiting for him.
  • LPC: $433.18 is due on the shipment.
  • SPEAKER_05: Thank you very much.
  • SPEAKER_05: We will see your driver.
  • LPC: Have you got a check drawn, sir.
  • SPEAKER_05: I will be very happy to give him a check when he comes to the door.
  • LPC: Okay.
  • LPC: I have a checkbook.
  • LPC: It's taking a lot of space on our truck.
  • LPC: What did you just say to me, sir?
  • SPEAKER_05: Well, that's not my problem.
  • SPEAKER_05: That's your problem.
  • SPEAKER_05: Tell the shipper that he owes your money for taking up space in your truck.
  • LPC: Well, we've been out there three times and no one answered
  • LPC: the bell.
  • LPC: No one answered the bell.
  • SPEAKER_05: So, Mr. Whip, it's Elmer Whip, correct?
  • LPC: Correct.
  • LPC: Yes, sir.
  • SPEAKER_05: And you work for USPS?
  • LPC: No, I work for United Parcel Service.
  • SPEAKER_05: United Parcel Service.
  • SPEAKER_05: Well, I'm a stockholder.
  • LPC: Three months on the job.
  • SPEAKER_05: So you work for me.
  • SPEAKER_05: Three months.
  • SPEAKER_05: Well, guess what, Elmer?
  • SPEAKER_05: I'm very impressed.
  • SPEAKER_05: Why don't you give me your
  • SPEAKER_05: address and I will send you
  • SPEAKER_05: an anniversary card
  • SPEAKER_05: for being there for
  • SPEAKER_05: 18 weeks.
  • LPC: Would you like to come to the dock and pick it up?
  • LPC: Or that's an option.
  • LPC: You know, whatever you'd like to be.
  • SPEAKER_05: No, I would like to talk to your supervisor.
  • SPEAKER_05: How about that,
  • SPEAKER_05: Elmer Whip? Let me talk to your supervisor.
  • LPC: Okay.
  • LPC: Just a moment, sir.
  • SPEAKER_05: Have him call me back.
  • SPEAKER_05: I'm transferring you now. Just a
  • LPC: moment, sir.
  • SPEAKER_05: And I'll be, and I will, listen,
  • SPEAKER_05: Mr. Whip.
  • SPEAKER_05: I'm transferring you to my supervisor.
  • SPEAKER_05: Recorded.
  • Alex Trebek: Hello.
  • SPEAKER_05: And I am going to the police department
  • SPEAKER_05: and filing a complaint.
  • SPEAKER_05: Am I clear?
  • Alex Trebek: Hello?
  • SPEAKER_05: Who is this?
  • SPEAKER_05: Who is this?
  • Alex Trebek: I don't know.
  • Alex Trebek: Who are you calling?
  • SPEAKER_05: I didn't call anybody.
  • SPEAKER_05: You called me.
  • Alex Trebek: Oh, no...
  • SPEAKER_03: Hello?
  • LPC: Yes.
  • LPC: My name's Tripp.
  • LPC: I'm a manager of United Parsall.
  • LPC: service?
  • LPC: Yes.
  • LPC: I've been told by my
  • LPC: associate that you would like to make
  • LPC: an online payment for your COD.
  • LPC: That is no problem.
  • LPC: If you give me a routing number, we can accept
  • LPC: an online payment. No problem at all.
  • LPC: No problem at all.
  • SPEAKER_04: The routing number is
  • SPEAKER_04: one, two, three, four, fuck yourself.
  • SPEAKER_04: And the account number
  • SPEAKER_04: is up yours.
  • LPC: Ma'am, could you please be a professional?
  • LPC: No, no, no, no, no, no.
  • SPEAKER_00: Jules Freeman.
  • LPC: Yes, my name's Flip Whitman.
  • LPC: I'm manager at UPS.com.
  • LPC: Oh, flip, great.
  • SPEAKER_05: Hey, look, I'm on a long-distance phone call.
  • SPEAKER_05: Can you give me your phone number, please?
  • SPEAKER_05: And I'll call you right back.
  • LPC: Sure.
  • LPC: It's 1-800-pick UPS.
  • SPEAKER_05: One-h-h-P-P-I-C-K?
  • LPC: UPS, yes, sir.
  • LPC: Apparently you had some trouble with our driver or with our representative?
  • SPEAKER_05: No, I haven't had trouble with anybody.
  • SPEAKER_05: I have received every single package from UPS that I've ordered from other people.
  • LPC: Well, we've got to clear.
  • LPC: of magnifying glasses here that you ordered that we're trying to deliver.
  • SPEAKER_05: And who did they come from?
  • LPC: Inspector Central from Ho-Hocus.
  • SPEAKER_05: Good. Send it back to them. I don't want to.
  • LPC: Send it back, sir. It's a COD delivery.
  • SPEAKER_05: What does COD mean?
  • LPC: That you owe $97.49 for your delivery.
  • SPEAKER_05: No, sir.
  • LPC: Yes, sir.
  • SPEAKER_05: COD means cash on delivery.
  • SPEAKER_05: Exactly. Did you deliver it?
  • LPC: Well, we've been out there four times.
  • LPC: No one answered the buzzer according to my notes here.
  • SPEAKER_05: Well, I guess what?
  • LPC: What's that?
  • SPEAKER_05: I don't have a buzzer.
  • SPEAKER_05: I don't have a buzzer.
  • LPC: Well, do you want to come pick it up?
  • LPC: That is an option.
  • LPC: That is no problem, no problem at all.
  • LPC: If you want to read a credit card, we'll leave it in a safe place.
  • SPEAKER_03: I'll drive out to UPS in Pleasantville.
  • SPEAKER_05: If you continue calling this number, I am going to call the U.S.C.C.
  • SPEAKER_05: I am on my U.
  • SPEAKER_05: my way to Pleasantville to the UPS store right now.
  • SPEAKER_05: You got a problem?
  • SPEAKER_05: Pay for it yourself.
  • SPEAKER_05: I never ordered it.
  • LPC: Well, I can meet you up there.
  • LPC: Whatever it takes to get this resolved here for you.