Best Before '24 (2024)

Best Before '24

Track 14: Hoho

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  • Martha: Hello?
  • LPC: Is Monty there?
  • Martha: Uh, no he's not.
  • Martha: Can I take a message?
  • LPC: Is this Martha?
  • Martha: Yes.
  • LPC: Yeah, well I'm seeing some stuff outside your house.
  • LPC: I was just hoping you guys could pick it up.
  • LPC: Or maybe I could come lend you a hand.
  • Martha: What kind of stuff are you talking about?
  • LPC: Oh, there's been receptacles just rollin' around and looked like a stack of sawdust blowin' wild.
  • LPC: I'm just trying to get it cleaned up with ye.
  • Martha: And who is this?
  • LPC: My name's Ho-Ho.
  • LPC: I just moved down here about seven days ago.
  • Martha: Okay, just a second.
  • Martha: Let me see.
  • Martha: My husband might be outside.
  • Monty: Hello?
  • LPC: Yes, is this Monty?
  • Monty: Yes.
  • LPC: Yes, I was just telling the lady there.
  • LPC: I moved down the way from you guys about a week back and I've been seeing some stuff outside of your place there and I was just hoping to get it picked up.
  • LPC: If you want me to lend you a hand picking it up, I can help do that too.
  • Monty: Now tell me what house you're talking about.
  • LPC: I'm talking about your place.
  • LPC: My uncle's on the police force here.
  • LPC: He's the one who gave me your number.
  • LPC: He's got everybody's phone number.
  • LPC: But I saw receptacles outside.
  • LPC: I saw a pile of grass that looks like a pile of sawdust six feet high, blowin' in the wind.
  • Monty: Let me explain to you where I live, okay?
  • LPC: Yeah.
  • Monty: What street do you live on?
  • LPC: I just live right around the way from you.
  • LPC: I'm not trying to get the police involved.
  • LPC: I just want to try to get it cleared up.
  • Monty: No, I think what I'm trying to tell you is I'm not... [stumbles] you have absolutely got the wrong house.
  • LPC: Oh, no.
  • Monty: Let me tell you where I live, okay?
  • LPC: I'm not trying to get the police up here.
  • LPC: I just want to get it picked up.
  • Monty: Well, you're not talking about the right house.
  • Monty: is what I'm trying to tell you.
  • LPC: I certainly am.
  • LPC: I gave the info to my uncle.
  • LPC: He's on the force.
  • Monty: I don't care who you listen.
  • Monty: I don't care who you gave it.
  • Monty: Let me tell you, ride by, I'll tell you what, ride by, by my house.
  • Monty: I'm not.
  • Monty: What kind of car do I have?
  • LPC: Let me tell you something.
  • LPC: I saw a pile of sawdust six feet tall, blowin' wild.
  • Monty: I've never had sawdust at my house.
  • Monty: Don't you understand that?
  • LPC: Oh, well, maybe it's gone now blowin' away.
  • Monty: I have never had any sawdust.
  • LPC: Sir, I saw receptacles rollin' around.
  • LPC: I saw bags of grass or something or other stacked yay high.
  • Monty: Why is it so hard for you to understand?
  • Monty: Why is it hard for you to understand?
  • Monty: What address is it?
  • LPC: Listen, this isn't a bunch of hocus pocus.
  • Monty: I live at 213 West 4th Avenue.
  • Monty: You go by and see anything wrong with that house.
  • LPC: I saw plenty.
  • LPC: I just walked by forty five minutes ago.
  • LPC: I'm not trying to get the law involved.
  • Monty: It's the best house on the street.
  • Monty: If you look for neatness, why don't we just get it picked up?
  • Monty: Because there's absolutely nothing to pick up.
  • Monty: Now I'll tell you what I think you're looking at.
  • Monty: If you want to know what on earth is that is the house brick is what now is the house brick.
  • LPC: Charlie, I don't follow what you're saying.
  • Monty: The house that you're talking about, what's it made out of?
  • LPC: Oh, it's made of stucco or something or other.
  • LPC: I'm not a construction worker.
  • Monty: [laughs] That's not my house.
  • LPC: Charlie, I saw sawdust blowing wild.
  • LPC: Now, what do you want?
  • Monty: My name's not Charlie.
  • LPC: I know that.
  • LPC: My uncle gave me all your information.
  • LPC: Plain as day.
  • Monty: Well, why don't you tell me who your uncle is?
  • LPC: Yeah, well, my name's Hoho.
  • LPC: I'm new in town.
  • Monty: Well, Hoho, I was on the sheriff's department for thirty years, and I'm telling you, you have the wrong house.
  • Police Dispatcher 1: Hello, Rensselaer Police.
  • Monty: Can I help you?
  • Police Dispatcher 1: Uh, this is the city of Rensselaer Police Department.
  • Monty: I have no... Listen, I've got a... I don't know what's going on, but let me tell you something real quick.
  • Monty: I don't even know if you're the police department or not, okay?
  • Police Dispatcher 1: Okay.
  • Monty: But I've got a... I've got a guy... Are you still there?
  • Police Dispatcher 1: Yeah, I'm here.
  • Monty: I've got a guy on the phone calling me and saying that I've got sawdust all in my yard and he wants me to clean it up.
  • Monty: And he said his uncle told him where I lived.
  • Monty: And then, you come on the phone, so I don't have a clue what's going on, but whatever it is, I sure would like- Is it?
  • Police Dispatcher 1: Yeah, I don't know what causes it.
  • Monty: What I'm trying to say is I can't- Do you have any idea what's going on, who's calling me and telling me that my house needs to be cleaned up on the outside?
  • Police Dispatcher 2: Police, can I help you?
  • Monty: Did you hear that?
  • Monty: Hello?
  • Police Dispatcher 2: Police, can I help you?
  • Monty: Yes, are you in Ramsour?
  • Monty: What police department is this?
  • Police Dispatcher 2: I'm sorry?
  • Monty: What police department is this?
  • Police Dispatcher 2: This is Baton Rouge Police Department.
  • Monty: Where's that at?
  • Monty: What state?
  • Police Dispatcher 2: Louisiana.
  • Monty: I'm going to try to explain to you real quick what's happened, okay?
  • Monty: I got a call, and the guy's called my name, and he said he got my address from his uncle who's on the police department.
  • Monty: This is the craziest call I've ever heard.
  • Monty: So he's saying, your house needs to be cleaned up.
  • Monty: I just moved down, down the street and I just wish you'd get it cleaned up.
  • Monty: I have no clue what he's talking about.
  • Monty: I got the cleanest house on the street, but here's where it's funny.
  • Monty: So he keeps talking and all of a sudden another police department gets on the phone and says, police department, may I help you?
  • Monty: Well, it's a police department in North Carolina.
  • Monty: Then as he's talking and no one comes on and says, this is you, police department, it switches from police department to police department.
  • Monty: So I can't figure out what's going on.
  • LPC: Yeah.
  • LPC: Monty, can you hear me?
  • Monty: Yeah, I can hear you.
  • LPC: This is Hoho.
  • LPC: All right>
  • LPC: Let's put our heads together and clean it up.
  • LPC: You got it.
  • Monty: Um, no, I don't have it.
  • Monty: I'm not paying attention.
  • Monty: Come on.
  • LPC: If you want me to get a cleaner, I can send you the bill.
  • LPC: You don't have to lift a finger if that's what you're worried about.
  • Monty: Whatever you want to do.
  • Monty: I'm not having anything to do with you.
  • Monty: Okay.
  • LPC: Charlie, you're living in La La Land, is what you're doing.
  • Monty: See, you need to understand who you're talking to.
  • Monty: You go from a guy named Monty to a guy named Charlie.
  • Monty: So who the hell do you want to talk to?
  • LPC: I want to talk to you, Monty Myers.
  • Monty: You can't even tell me what my house looks like.
  • LPC: You don't even know what you're talking about, all right?
  • Monty: Don't you understand how stupid you are that you won't tell me what my house looks like?
  • LPC: Do you want me to come down and get nimble with you?
  • Monty: Well, come on.
  • Monty: Come on.
  • Monty: Boom, boom, boom, bye!