wallace-thrasher

Longmont Potion Castle 19 (2022)

Track 9: Destructive Humphrey

SPEAKER_01: Hello?
SPEAKER_01: Hi, Bob, please.
SPEAKER_01: Speaking.
SPEAKER_01: Yes, this is Humphrey.
SPEAKER_01: I'm calling from downtown digital destruction.
SPEAKER_01: How are you today, sir?
SPEAKER_03: Downtown digital destruction.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we do data destruction.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
SPEAKER_01: We've been up and down the block.
SPEAKER_01: We've got several people on our route, and we'd love to work with you guys.
SPEAKER_01: shredding.
SPEAKER_03: I think we do have a shredder that's doing it, but...
SPEAKER_01: Well, you know, earlier in the week we were there, you were out at the time,
SPEAKER_01: but we picked up some documents from your office and destroyed those,
SPEAKER_01: so we'd love to come and show you what we've done.
SPEAKER_01: They weren't important or anything.
SPEAKER_03: Well, you're talking to the wrong guy, even though it's my firm.
SPEAKER_03: You're going to talk to either...
SPEAKER_03: Michael, who's my administrator, or you call Sharon.
SPEAKER_01: Well, Sharon told me to talk to you.
SPEAKER_03: Well, sir, I'm telling you that I don't know the answer.
SPEAKER_03: I don't get competitive bids.
SPEAKER_03: I don't get into that.
SPEAKER_01: We ordered to destroy it a lot of your stuff, and we wanted to just present it to you.
SPEAKER_01: We also have reconstructive services.
SPEAKER_01: We can actually reconstruct destroyed documents.
SPEAKER_01: That's running you just a total of nine.
SPEAKER_01: $90 per hour.
SPEAKER_01: It's forensic level stuff we're doing here.
SPEAKER_03: Sir, I'm not questioning your capabilities.
SPEAKER_03: I'm telling you that I am not able to make a decision without knowing what we're paying now
SPEAKER_03: and what you're offering to pay and things of that sort.
SPEAKER_01: Well, we'll destroy 50 pounds of stuff, no charge.
SPEAKER_01: It's a coupon that we've got.
SPEAKER_01: My name's Humphrey.
SPEAKER_01: I'm the owner of the company.
SPEAKER_03: All right.
SPEAKER_03: I've told you three times already.
SPEAKER_03: You can keep telling me how good you are.
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
SPEAKER_03: But it's a waste of your time and mine.
SPEAKER_03: If you want to call Sharon in my office next week, when did you, when did you, when were you?
SPEAKER_01: I've already spoken to her.
SPEAKER_01: We took a bunch of documents from your office, destroyed them, and we're just going to come show you how good a job we did.
SPEAKER_01: It's real quick.
SPEAKER_01: You're going to love what you see.
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
SPEAKER_01: Real good stuff.
SPEAKER_01: And we've got a coupon, like I said.
SPEAKER_01: So you're going to save a lot of money.
SPEAKER_01: You can appreciate that, can't you?
SPEAKER_03: No, I can't because I can't seem to get through to you, sir.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, what's that now?
SPEAKER_03: That I am not in a position to make that decision, certainly not now on a Saturday afternoon.
SPEAKER_03: Now, you can do one of two things.
SPEAKER_01: What's that now?
SPEAKER_03: You can try to, pardon me?
SPEAKER_01: What's that we can do?
SPEAKER_01: What are my choices here?
SPEAKER_03: Your choices are hang up, number one, and never call me again.
SPEAKER_01: Never call me.
SPEAKER_03: Or make an appointment, yeah, or make an appointment, make an appointment to seek, Sharon, and show her what you've done.
SPEAKER_01: We've destroyed everything in sight is what we've done, and it's a dynamite.
SPEAKER_03: I'm done. I'm not talking to you.
SPEAKER_01: I'm going to be there in five minutes, okay?
SPEAKER_01: Hello?
SPEAKER_01: Yes, Bob.
SPEAKER_01: This is Helmut calling.
SPEAKER_03: Hal Nuke.
SPEAKER_01: Hellmoot, H-E-L-M-U-T.
SPEAKER_03: Oh, hell.
SPEAKER_03: I just got a harassing call from somebody, and I don't know.
SPEAKER_03: and had to do with destroying documents, and his name was very similar to yours.
SPEAKER_03: Anyway, go ahead.
SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry.
SPEAKER_01: Okay, so we're just going to come by to your residence in the next 15, 20 minutes and give you a brief presentation, okay, on our destructive and our reconstructive services that we offer.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, no.
SPEAKER_03: You are the same guy to start you, you're right?
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yes.
SPEAKER_01: So whatever we can do for you?
SPEAKER_03: You want me to call the police?
SPEAKER_01: Well, you want me to get rough guy?
SPEAKER_01: I tried to offer you a discount.
SPEAKER_03: fair and square sir you are you are I am not interested in doing business with you do
SPEAKER_01: not call me again I'm going to shove you around if I have to how does that sound
SPEAKER_02: you you shum me around okay you show me around you you sound like a crazy man right now
SPEAKER_03: all right so I don't want to have anything to do with you you understand what do you want
SPEAKER_02: for me here I'm a business I want you to never call me again I'm a business man I'm a
SPEAKER_02: business man you follow I don't care you sound like you sound like you sound like you sound
SPEAKER_02: like you belong someplace else, all right?
SPEAKER_02: Do not call me again.
SPEAKER_01: I'll perform Taekwondo on you, on your lips.
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, thank.
SPEAKER_02: You sound like a nutcase and don't call me again.
SPEAKER_01: I'm going to destroy everything I see.
SPEAKER_01: Hello?
SPEAKER_01: Yes, Bob.
SPEAKER_03: Yes.
SPEAKER_01: Hi, this is Humphrey.
SPEAKER_01: I work at downtown digital destruction.
SPEAKER_01: We do all the data.
SPEAKER_01: up and down the block here, all in throughout the county.
SPEAKER_01: I'm going to see you.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I got your call before.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I got your call.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, come on over.
SPEAKER_03: Don't let anybody bother if the police are outside.
SPEAKER_03: Don't let that body.
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
SPEAKER_03: Don't let the FBI bother you either, okay?
SPEAKER_01: Hey, don't let the door hit you in the backside.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I understand, Humphrey.
SPEAKER_03: You called me once before, and I think we had the same discussion.
SPEAKER_01: I'm going to meet you at 9 a.m., and we're going to demonstrate what we do when we destroy your data.
SPEAKER_01: You can appreciate that, can't you?
SPEAKER_03: I appreciate you more than you think.
SPEAKER_01: Okay, sounds good.
SPEAKER_01: We also do restoration, so we can put back together any documents that you've mistakenly destroyed or shred it.
SPEAKER_03: Didn't you tell me last time that you'd already been to my office and destroying some data?
SPEAKER_01: Yes, I did.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you're a lying son of a bitch.
SPEAKER_01: Hey, how about I come up there and shove you around a little bit?
SPEAKER_03: Well, why don't you, why don't you, why don't you do that, Humphrey?
SPEAKER_03: And I'll be there for you, you're waiting.
SPEAKER_03: Stop, there's going to be a car.
SPEAKER_03: It's not a problem, Humphrey.
SPEAKER_03: You just come on over and beat the hell out of me and whatever else you want to do.
SPEAKER_01: It's going to be a big problem for your lips, once I connect with you.
SPEAKER_03: I understand that, Humphrey, but, you know, guys like you need to be put away in a special place.
SPEAKER_01: I'm a businessman. I'm a patriot and I'm a businessman.
SPEAKER_03: No, you're not. You're a crook, scam, fraud guy. That's what you are.
SPEAKER_03: You're a real weird guy. You must have some psychiatric problems as well, Humphrey.
SPEAKER_01: I'm going to come in. I'm going to make up.
SPEAKER_01: presentation. You're going to love what you see. End the story.
SPEAKER_03: I told you. I told you Humphrey to come on over. What more do I got to say?
SPEAKER_01: Just make a small deposit and then we'll put you on a retainer.
SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah. Listen, tell me how much you want. You want 5,000, 10,000. How much you want, Humphrey?
SPEAKER_01: Six months is $970 for six months of service. Oh, six months is $970.
SPEAKER_01: 24 hours a day. We'll come out seven days a week. We're the best.
SPEAKER_03: Humphrey, that's a felony. What you?
SPEAKER_03: you're doing as a felony. We're the best.
SPEAKER_03: And I think, not only is it a felony, Humphrey, but I think that you crossed interstate lines,
SPEAKER_03: and I think you'll end up at a federal prison. How's that? A prison?
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, right. They're coming to get you, right? Yeah. In fact, I'm going to call somebody right now
SPEAKER_03: and trace your number and report you to the feds because this is the second time you bothered me,
SPEAKER_03: Humphrey.
SPEAKER_01: You're bananas.
SPEAKER_01: You hear me?
SPEAKER_01: Fell in a banana.
SPEAKER_03: And you're a fruitcake.
SPEAKER_03: How's that sound?
SPEAKER_03: I'm bananas and you're a fruitcake.
SPEAKER_01: I'm a patriot and I'm a businessman.
SPEAKER_03: No, you're not.
SPEAKER_03: You're a scumbag is what you are.
SPEAKER_03: Humphrey.
SPEAKER_03: And you need to be put away someplace where there's a big lock and key.
SPEAKER_03: That's what they need to do with you.
SPEAKER_01: Who's talking in the background here?
SPEAKER_03: So you know what, Humphrey, you bothered me enough for me to take some action.
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
SPEAKER_03: You bothered me.
SPEAKER_03: enough for me to stop guys like you from bug and people.
SPEAKER_03: Just beware.
SPEAKER_03: I'm free, okay?
SPEAKER_03: Because you're a scumbag and a fraud and a sick guy.
SPEAKER_03: Okay?
SPEAKER_03: Other than that, you're a fruitcake.
SPEAKER_03: So pick the choice.
SPEAKER_03: Are you a fruitcake, a scumbag, a fraud, a scam, or a con man?
SPEAKER_03: Which one do you think fits you the best?
SPEAKER_01: I'm going to kick in the kneecap.
SPEAKER_01: That's what I'm going to do tomorrow.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you kick me in the kneecap.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, come on right over and kick me in the kneecap.
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
SPEAKER_01: 9 a.m.
SPEAKER_01: Forget the presentation.
SPEAKER_01: I'm going to take you down to the ground is what I'm going to do.
SPEAKER_01: Take you down.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you do that, and that's just, you just threaten me for another felony.
SPEAKER_03: So you've got a couple felonies lined up, okay?
SPEAKER_03: You threatened me, and you've also scammed me.
SPEAKER_03: So that ought to put you in state prison, Jackson, or someplace like that for about 15 years.
SPEAKER_03: Okay?
SPEAKER_03: So you just keep threatening me, scumbag, and I will pursue you until you.
SPEAKER_03: You are put away.
SPEAKER_01: Just make it the deposit, and we'll put you on a retainer, end a story.
SPEAKER_03: Oh, no, no, I'll make a deposit on your neck, okay?
SPEAKER_03: And make sure that you're put away someplace where you belong.
SPEAKER_01: I'm going to take a block of wood to your chin bone.
SPEAKER_01: See what you say then, guy.
SPEAKER_03: Okay, well, that's, hey, that sounds good.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, fuck off.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_03: Well, listen, you just take your data and stick it up your rear.
SPEAKER_03: How's that sound?
SPEAKER_03: Does that sound okay to you?
SPEAKER_03: Stick your data up your rear?
SPEAKER_03: rear? And maybe you ought to destroy the data up your rear.
SPEAKER_01: My ear?
SPEAKER_03: Because I enjoy talking to you up, because you're a sick man, besides being a crook and a skump bag.
SPEAKER_03: Okay?
SPEAKER_01: I'm a businessman.
SPEAKER_01: And I'm trying to do you a favor.
SPEAKER_03: You're a scumbag.
SPEAKER_03: You're a scumbag and a fraud and a fruit cake.
SPEAKER_03: And one of the worst people that I've had a chance to talk to.
SPEAKER_01: You're nuts.
SPEAKER_01: You're bananas.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I'm not, yeah.
SPEAKER_03: Well, Humphrey, I'm going to trace you down now.
SPEAKER_03: I'm going to file a complaint with the FBI because you're using interstate commerce,
SPEAKER_03: and I'm going to have them trace you down.
SPEAKER_03: Okay, Humphrey, we'll see who ends up battering who and who ends up in jail.
SPEAKER_03: You will be out of commission, okay?
SPEAKER_01: Oh, well, prevail.
SPEAKER_01: No doubt in my mind.
SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah, you'll prevail.
SPEAKER_03: You sound like you're off the wall anyway.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I'm going to precipitate.
SPEAKER_03: your demise, I'm free.
SPEAKER_03: You have just crossed the line.
SPEAKER_03: This is the second time you bug me, and you have crossed the line.
SPEAKER_03: So you want to find out whether I'm serious or not, you'll find out very soon.
SPEAKER_03: Because I'm not taking this crap from some scumbag like you anymore.
SPEAKER_03: Anymore.
SPEAKER_01: Hey, check me out.
SPEAKER_01: Check me out, buddy.
SPEAKER_03: I'm not going to just check you out.
SPEAKER_03: I'm going to file a federal complaint against you.
SPEAKER_03: That's what I'm going to do.
SPEAKER_03: I'm going to call the FBI, and I'm going to do.
SPEAKER_03: tell them you threaten me on the phone, both physically and otherwise, and you have a scam
SPEAKER_03: operating in that you are crossing state lines, and you violated various federal statutes.
SPEAKER_03: Okay, that's what I'm going to tell them.
SPEAKER_00: Don't do that.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
SPEAKER_03: Whenever they find you and put you away, I'm going to ask them to tell me where you're locked up,
SPEAKER_03: and you know what, Humphrey, I'm going to come and visit you in jail.
SPEAKER_03: That's what I'm going to do.
SPEAKER_03: So then you can sell me some data from the jailhouse, and I'll be an excellent witness for the prosecution against a scumbag like you.
SPEAKER_03: So you just wait for the door to knock, okay?
SPEAKER_03: And when the door knocks, you're going to know who called.
SPEAKER_03: Okay, Humphrey?
SPEAKER_00: Don't do that.
SPEAKER_03: No, why not?
SPEAKER_03: You're a scumbag.
SPEAKER_03: You're a fraud and a crook and a felon.
SPEAKER_03: You're a felon.
SPEAKER_03: You've already committed two felonies, okay?
SPEAKER_03: That'll be it for you, Humphrey.
SPEAKER_03: Whatever your damn name is.
SPEAKER_01: Humphrey Bump.
SPEAKER_03: We'll find out what your name is.
SPEAKER_01: Humphrey Bump.
SPEAKER_01: I've been in business for nine years.
SPEAKER_03: No, you're out of business.
SPEAKER_03: This was the end.
SPEAKER_03: You will be out of business very shortly.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah?
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
SPEAKER_03: That'll be a problem for your family if you have one.
SPEAKER_03: But I doubt if you have a family because I think they would have committed you by now.
SPEAKER_03: So you probably don't have a family.
SPEAKER_03: But that's okay, Humphrey.
SPEAKER_03: Not everybody gets to have a family.
SPEAKER_03: And not everybody gets to stay up.
SPEAKER_03: out of jail.
SPEAKER_03: So.
SPEAKER_01: You're bananas.
SPEAKER_03: For Humphrey, this will be the worst call you've ever made.
SPEAKER_03: Okay?
SPEAKER_03: You picked the wrong guy to screw around me.
SPEAKER_03: The wrong guy.
SPEAKER_01: Oh, have I?
SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you have, Humphrey.
SPEAKER_01: What do you mean there?
SPEAKER_03: I'm going to call you 1-2771.
SPEAKER_03: That's your new number in jail.
SPEAKER_03: 1-2-7-7-1.
SPEAKER_03: Write that down because that's going to be your new number.
SPEAKER_03: 1-2-7-7-7-1.
SPEAKER_01: guy. I'm no nonsense. Period. End a sentence.