wallace-thrasher

Longmont Potion Castle 7 (2009)

Track 7: Alex Trebek

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Alex Trebek: Hello?
LPC: Yeah, hello. This is Thrasher here at United Parcel Service.
Alex Trebek: Yeah.
LPC: And I need a signature and a COD here today on some freight here.
Alex Trebek: What is it?
LPC: We got some sod here.
Alex Trebek: Sod?
LPC: Yes.
Alex Trebek: Are you sure you have the right address?
LPC: Quite confident. Our driver's already en route to you.
LPC: I just as soon get the payment prepared now.
Alex Trebek: Well, who ordered it?
LPC: It's $1949 even.
Alex Trebek: Well, who ordered it?
LPC: You're the recipient.
Alex Trebek: Well, we're the recipient, but we didn't order it.
LPC: Incorrect.
LPC: You place the initial order and now we're fulfilling it.
LPC: Do you understand?
Alex Trebek: When did we place the order?
Alex Trebek: I'm the owner of the house here and I didn't place the order.
Alex Trebek: So you tell me who placed the order.
Alex Trebek: If it's our gardener and he didn't tell us,
Alex Trebek: He didn't tell us about it, I don't know, and I don't know where we need saw it.
Alex Trebek: So you tell me where this is coming from.
LPC: I am looking at your digital signature.
Alex Trebek: Digital signature.
LPC: Here on my tablet, yes, sir.
LPC: Need an online payment or some method of payment here, 449.
Alex Trebek: Well, where did you get my digital signature?
LPC: From you.
Alex Trebek: When?
LPC: At the time of purchase.
Alex Trebek: And where it was the purchase made?
LPC: Siam.
Alex Trebek: Siam.
LPC: Correct.
Alex Trebek: The country, Siam?
LPC: That's all the data I have, sir.
Alex Trebek: Uh...
LPC: Apparently this is the third attempt here.
Alex Trebek: And this is sod?
LPC: Yes, sir.
Alex Trebek: Grass.
LPC: Something to do with the lawn.
LPC: Yeah, it's a big, big bundle of stuff here.
Alex Trebek: Well, I don't...
Alex Trebek: You don't have my digital signature because I didn't give you my digital signature.
Alex Trebek: I didn't order anything from Siam, and Siam is no longer an existence.
Alex Trebek: It's Thailand now, so I don't know what Siam is.
LPC: Well, the whole thing's viewable online.
Alex Trebek: The whole thing is viewable online.
LPC: Your signature, the item itself, it's a real colorful bunch of stuff here.
LPC: And the payment details. So I can go ahead and take a credit card number here and we'll just get everything...
Alex Trebek: No, you're not going to take a credit card number at all.
Alex Trebek: Because tell me where I can view this online.
LPC: UPS.com.
Alex Trebek: UPS
Alex Trebek: dot com and then we go to what?
LPC: You need to just enter your credit card number as soon as possible.
Alex Trebek: I ain't going to do that because we didn't order anything.
LPC: You're not going to do it on 4,200 pounds of stuff here?
Alex Trebek: 4,200 pounds of stuff.
Alex Trebek: Are you out of your mind?
LPC: That is roughly the weight of this stuff here.
Alex Trebek: Well, we didn't order it.
LPC: We got four trucks en route to you.
Alex Trebek: Well, too bad because they ain't delivering it here.
LPC: Oh, no?
Alex Trebek: Nope.
Alex Trebek: You're not UPS.
LPC: Most certainly, yeah, I'm 12 years on the job. I've been here.
Alex Trebek: Oh, yeah? What's your name?
LPC: I'm on the dock right here. I'm Wallace.
Alex Trebek: Wallace, what?
LPC: Thrasher
Alex Trebek: Wallace Thrasher...
Alex Trebek: Okay, what's the number out there? Who's the supervisor?
LPC: I'm the only one on the dock, sir.
Alex Trebek: You're the only one?
LPC: The only one on the dock here tonight, yes, sir?
Alex Trebek: Oh, yeah?
Alex Trebek: Why are we delivering this at night?
LPC: Like I say, this is third or fourth try here to get this to you.
Alex Trebek: Really?
LPC: Yeah.
Alex Trebek: we've heard of it.
Alex Trebek: So...
LPC: Is that a fact?
Alex Trebek: We have a normal, a usual driver who comes here, and he never mentioned anything about it.
Alex Trebek: We don't have...
Alex Trebek: Where's mom? (sp?)
Alex Trebek: Yep, Mom. (sp?)
Alex Trebek: I'm going to get my wife here and find out if you've...
LPC: Well, why don't you come down to the dock?
Alex Trebek: Huh?
LPC: Just cut a check or however you do it.
Alex Trebek: Where is the dock?
LPC: I'm in Calabasas right now.
Alex Trebek: Calabasas, but you want me to come out to Calabasas to view something that I didn't order
Alex Trebek: and that I probably don't
Alex Trebek: want?
LPC: Twelve years of working here.
LPC: I've seen lots and lots of digital signatures come and go.
Alex Trebek: Really?
LPC: Lots of them.
Alex Trebek: Yeah, well, I don't buy things with digital signatures.
Alex Trebek: So...
Alex Trebek: Do we have...
Alex Trebek: There's 4,200 pounds of sod or something on...
Alex Trebek: Or that's about to be delivered with four trucks from UPS.
Alex Trebek: Did we order that?
Alex Trebek: No.
LPC: Sir, I have been told by my colleague here we can't accept cash and coins
LPC: to get this thing resolved here for you.
Alex Trebek: I think this is just a...
Alex Trebek: crock of shit, so you're not UPS.
Alex Trebek: Absolutely, I am here.
Alex Trebek: Yeah, well I'll ask my driver tomorrow to track down a Wallace Thrasher.
LPC: You can call me Stretchy.
Alex Trebek: You're just not going to give up, are you? Stretchy?
LPC: I just deal with fulfillment, product fulfillment here at United Parcel Service, so...
LPC: We've got a total of three flags on your account here, so...
LPC: I just would like to get a routing number and we'll satisfy the debt.
Alex Trebek: You don't have a routing now. How can I have a
Alex Trebek: routing number? What the hell is the routing number?
LPC: From your checking account or debit card
Alex Trebek: Are you out of your mind?
Alex Trebek: I'm going to pay $2,000 for something that I do not have,
Alex Trebek: did not order, and know nothing about.
LPC: The sender's name is Artie Yamamoto.
Alex Trebek: Send me something in the mail, stretch.
LPC: I'll send you a subpoena, is what I'll send you.
Alex Trebek: Oh, that's good. I'll respond to a subpoena.
LPC: You'll be commanded to testify before Artie Yamamoto.
Alex Trebek: Oh, good.
Alex Trebek: Good. Boy, that's scarcely. Artie Yamamoto. Who is he?
LPC: He's at the Bangkok Sod Center.
Alex Trebek: Bangkok Sod Center. And that's in Bangkok, Thailand?
LPC: Yes, sir.
Alex Trebek: Oh, good. Yep, I'm likely to order Saud. Thailand. You're out of your mind, Stretchy.
LPC: Well, let's hop on a plane and we'll go meet with them in person. I have a three-way conference.
Alex Trebek: Are you out of your mind?
LPC: No. I resent the implication
LPC: frankly.
Alex Trebek: Well, good.
Alex Trebek: Uh, present it all you want.
Alex Trebek: Send me a letter. Send me a subpoena.
Alex Trebek: Be happy to receive it.
LPC: We'll do a conference call.
Alex Trebek: No, I don't need a conference call, Stretchy.
LPC: You can call me Stretchy.
LPC: I mean...
Alex Trebek: I just did.
LPC: I've got signed affidavits and...
Alex Trebek: Appadavits?
LPC: All kinds of other things. Yes, sir.
Alex Trebek: Oh, good. Well, you have my signature?
LPC: I'm looking right at it.
Alex Trebek: Yeah.
Alex Trebek: And what does it say?
LPC: It's not legible.
Alex Trebek: But it's not legible?
LPC: So that would be step one is to work on this.
LPC: that, but...
Alex Trebek: I have no need for $2,000 worth of sod, and I didn't order it, and I know nothing about it.
LPC: So you thought you'd just stick good old UPS with the charges, huh?
Alex Trebek: Nope.
Alex Trebek: Are you out of your mind?
Alex Trebek: Nobody orders sod from Asia.
Alex Trebek: Send me something in the mail, and we'll get to the bottom of this, but we're not paying for something
Alex Trebek: we didn't order.
LPC: Oh, you and I'll get to the bottom of it all right, if I need to come down and drive the truck myself.
Alex Trebek: Oh, well, go ahead.
Alex Trebek: Be prepared to...
Alex Trebek: be met by police.
LPC: Be prepared...